Ambivalence

So I finally managed to wakeup the blogger inside me after years of "happening yet monotonous" life. Well yes "happening yet monotonous"..thats because the significant events that occurred in my life since I last penned down my feelings were not significant enough to be recorded on my blog..so why do I call them significant? Because including both achievements n failures, they changed my life and a bit of my personality..yet not significant enough to be mentioned on my blog because they had comparatively less involvement of my emotional side..achievements, new bonds, losing friends n mentors n so much more happened but again no event was significant enough to force me to pick up my pen or increase my heart beat..

So when you long for something for almost 10 years and it doesn’t turnup to be yours, you get the feeling its not made for you or good for you and you distance yourself from it, distract yourself..sometimes you turn back and get a glimpse of it and your heavy heart and frustrated mind reminds you of the cruel fact that its not yours and you distract yourself again..you move even farther away but then someone pushes you and you get back a bit nearer to from where you have been trying to run away..you get a glimpse of the treasure of your heart again but someone has hold of it already by now n you distract yourself this time by racing away fast..10 years and somehow your treasure turns up to you..by this time you are already "used to" of getting the feeling of lust, greed, affection, joy when you get glimpse of it..like the attraction of some chemical bond..some unknown bond without name.. and this feeling of getting “used to” drives you away from it again but this time something happens which overwhelms you with a "mixture of feelings"..the treasure drops in front of you, rolling near you as if its your belonging, your lost treasure..but you know its not your belonging n its just your affection..u so want to pick it up, make it your crown, decorate it in your treasure box and probably open your ribcage and replace your heart with it but you know it might not fit in your ribcage as its certainly someone else’s..the physical features of the treasure appear so promising that it would fit in wherever you place it but the sharp annoying feeling inside you tells you to leave it as someone has a virtual hold of it already..and once more you have to drop it back with a heavy heart and walk with head lowered on your monotonous road of life..with a question that in so many years how the bond still survived and how it even developed?..

Alhamdulillah for the little joys.
Scrambled eggs in butter, toasted bread, peanut butter, oats bread.

Abandoned!!

So the other day I was attending a session which focused on leadership qualities and we were given an assignment to write a three line mission of our life. At that time, I thought it was an easy task and I would do it anyhow. However, I kept on thinking for a week and finally this came to my mind and I realized that I had been working on my mission of life already since years without realizing. So here is what I wrote:

" I am in this World because God has created me. Over the years, my mission of life has changed from being materialistic to spiritual. I think the most important mission is to understand what God plans for us and sometimes, His plans really amaze me. Therefore, it is important to maintain the bond with God. I have also realized that it is important to well maintain the bonds with humans and specially blood relations. In order to incorporate the above mentioned elements in my life and balance these elements with my own wishes, I try to fulfill my own wants, while maintaining these valuable bonds"

Because nothing is more pure than God's love for you. There were times when He did not fulfill my most desired wishes. I was deeply traumatized. My soul was wounded and I would not stop asking Him why He did it with me. With time, I realized He gave me even more valuable gifts in return. I realized that my wants were not a good choice for me. I would not have survived if He had fulfilled my wish at that time. But He knew. And He knows. Everything! And I know that in future as well I will face such situations again where my wants will clash with what God gives me. But this is the reality. We have to surrender to Him. Sometimes we understand His wisdom, sometimes we fail to understand. But this keeps on going. I know every blow which get in my life will help me get closer to the creator.

Picture by Ali Khursheed.