3 November, 2022

Hello. Its been long. I am once again relying on my blog to share my feelings; this time to feel lighter, rather than clarifying the emotional confusion, which I ised to do in past using my blog,and which was the purpose of this blog.

As I grew up over the past few years, experienced various ups and downs of real life, I had a chance to think about the internal confusions, which I used to have. The thought process pathway was not easy, it was itself full of self doubts and confusions; and its worth writing too but I will probably do that using a separate post since that troubling journey is too long and complicated, however, fruitful.

I used to have this uncomfortable feeling of unhappiness since years. Its actually experiencing an empty soul, not sad, not anxious, not even angry. Just empty, hopeless. It was 2 years back when I realised its depression. Over the past 2 years, I have been looking for the reason of this depression, because apparently, my life is perfect. I am a successful and shining professional according to many people, I have luxuries of life which many people crave for, I have a loving family. Yet, I fail to fight this empty feeling which has been persistently numbing me since years. And I realised that it was my introvert nature that was a hinderance for me making friends, talking to people, letting out my feelings frequently. I strangulated my soul by imprisoning my feelings. When I was in school, I had classmates, when I got promoted to higher institutes, I had colleagues, college batchmates. I was in delusion that I had friends and thats why never felt this emptiness as intensely as I do now. Because actually, they were not friends, just those studying with me. 

So now what? Make friends? Yes its good making friends but eventually, everyone has their own life and engagements and cannot just sit and talk to you so you get lighter. We do have such gems in today's world but very rare. We need to learn that in the end its you who will be with you. You are the one who will give you a shoulder to cry, you are the one who will accurately and completely understand you, your needs, your happiness, your sadness, all your emotions, and then accept you without judging. Atleast I have learnt this through my journey of depression. Someday I will write about that. Till then, keep moving ahead, dream, hope, live. Life is precious.

The War Within

I realised that I mostly update my blog whenever I face internal struggles. Yes, the same internal struggles which have been bothering me since I started understanding life.

"Alif", a famous blockbuster drama serial aired on Geo TV, Pakistan from October, 2019 till March, 2020 gained popularity among the public due to its unique script and plot. Romance and spirituality (two prime themes of the serial) apart; when one watches this serial repeatedly, the deeper themes can be grasped. Internal struggle is one such element very well portrayed in the serial.

Background soundtracks of this serial are one component which always attracts me and I always wondered why. Today, while watching the serial for the nth number of time, I realised that probably the background music in most of the scenes signal towards the emotional battles within a person and thats the reason why it appeals me. 

I feel internal struggle is something very difficult to overcome in life specially if one is an over sensitive person or someone dominated primarily by emotions. Such struggles can be persuit of spirituality; striving to stay on the right path; battle against emotional trauma and pain; and overcoming the pain of losing the desired things, bonds or people in life.

These are just few internal struggles. Every person may have different internal struggles. Someone may contradict with my statement that these internal struggles are difficult for emotional people. I say this because I feel that the mind and heart are at constant battle throughout the life in terms of decisions and struggles. For people dominated by mind, decision making is easier and therefore the emotional pain and suffering can easily be receded. However, for the emotionally driven people, this war within is tough and never-ending.

Ambivalence

So I finally managed to wakeup the blogger inside me after years of "happening yet monotonous" life. Well yes "happening yet monotonous"..thats because the significant events that occurred in my life since I last penned down my feelings were not significant enough to be recorded on my blog..so why do I call them significant? Because including both achievements n failures, they changed my life and a bit of my personality..yet not significant enough to be mentioned on my blog because they had comparatively less involvement of my emotional side..achievements, new bonds, losing friends n mentors n so much more happened but again no event was significant enough to force me to pick up my pen or increase my heart beat..

So when you long for something for almost 10 years and it doesn’t turnup to be yours, you get the feeling its not made for you or good for you and you distance yourself from it, distract yourself..sometimes you turn back and get a glimpse of it and your heavy heart and frustrated mind reminds you of the cruel fact that its not yours and you distract yourself again..you move even farther away but then someone pushes you and you get back a bit nearer to from where you have been trying to run away..you get a glimpse of the treasure of your heart again but someone has hold of it already by now n you distract yourself this time by racing away fast..10 years and somehow your treasure turns up to you..by this time you are already "used to" of getting the feeling of lust, greed, affection, joy when you get glimpse of it..like the attraction of some chemical bond..some unknown bond without name.. and this feeling of getting “used to” drives you away from it again but this time something happens which overwhelms you with a "mixture of feelings"..the treasure drops in front of you, rolling near you as if its your belonging, your lost treasure..but you know its not your belonging n its just your affection..u so want to pick it up, make it your crown, decorate it in your treasure box and probably open your ribcage and replace your heart with it but you know it might not fit in your ribcage as its certainly someone else’s..the physical features of the treasure appear so promising that it would fit in wherever you place it but the sharp annoying feeling inside you tells you to leave it as someone has a virtual hold of it already..and once more you have to drop it back with a heavy heart and walk with head lowered on your monotonous road of life..with a question that in so many years how the bond still survived and how it even developed?..

Alhamdulillah for the little joys.
Scrambled eggs in butter, toasted bread, peanut butter, oats bread.